Saturday, December 27, 2008

Ch-Ch-Changes...


Angelina has been posting about some major life changes she is making. I too am working on some similiar ones. There are some things that need to be gotten out of the way first. Some are a bit more involved than I want to share but a few of I need to publically state. I have always tried to be the nice person, the caring person, the one that can be counted on. I haven't always succeeded all the time (and you can bet I beat myself up when I have fallen short.) I AM a nice person, a caring person and a dependable one, BUT I don't want to be responsible for anyone else's well being other than my own. I have taken on too many people's expectations of me and fashioned them into essentially a noose that I feel is choking my soul. If I sound harsh, well there is a lot of anger simmering underneath my mild mannered exterior. It is for the most part directed at myself. Though there is some directed at some family members and some for a few other people that have or had significant roles in my life. If I were songwriter like Richard I would write a scathing yet witty catchy little song and let folks wonder if it is about them. Instead I have been writing down the hurtful, hateful, lame, angry, poisonous things I have been hanging onto for years. The things like how an uncle of mine used to call me heifer (I was overweight as a kid.) The promises my Dad would make that as soon as he made them were forgotten by him. How a boy in my A.P. European History class told me I didn't belong there. How praying to God was supposed to make everything better but somehow wouldn't keep a family relative's hands off me. How I questioned my sanity while going out with various alcoholics and drug users. How I let people use me as a doormat and how I feel guilty for getting mad that they do. How I have let my body down by not consistently exercising and by eating as self medication. These and many more are going up in flames on New Year's eve. They are being released. I will remember them but they won't be part of the fabric that my clothes my soul.

2 comments:

Aly The Red-Bliss Monkey Studio said...

You totally rock and I love reading your blog!

xoxo
Aly

Angelina said...

Yay! This is good stuff. We're going to both make some really good changes this year. But remember that it takes time and a lot of steps- one after the other.